Life Updates

I don’t even know what I last wrote about. It has been that long. I’ve done a great deal of my writing through journaling and haven’t left much space (or time) to dive into this space. Here’s a pic to remind you what I look like, much less that I am still hanging tight and just slow to update you on all the things.

In October - I asked for a divorce and moved out of our house very quickly. We then got the house on the market within three weeks. If you know me and the sheer amount of shit that I own - you know this was a ridiculous proposition. Worthwhile because the house went under contract in two days, but a whole lot of stress and after hours time went into it. My spring break that’s upcoming? I will be living in my storage unit because is just don’t need all that stuff. Trying to get out in less than three weeks while not living in the house was bananas and not the time to Marie Kondo it.

We all spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together. And I mean - all. This does include my ex. My dad had been in a downswing and we knew it was his last hurrah of holidays. We didn’t quite know how soon, as he passed the day after Christmas from Stage-4 lung cancer.

I wrote a quickie version of an obit for him and have yet to finish his final version. It still feels all too soon, as he just wasn’t that old in this day and age. He paid the piper for the smoking, to say the least.

Kiddo became demon spawn for a while after that. Fortunately, I had the foresight to get her into therapy right around when the ex and I split, because of so many life changes. Even with the extra support, it was all just a little much. At one point, someone mentioned, jokingly, that it’s not therapy she needs, but an exorcism. Me being me replied: so, that’s where dad went! I’m happy to report that she did grow out of this phase and just needed some time to settle in.

Did I mention at some point that I started a new job this school year? If not, I did! I’m finally a real-life librarian! Still in high school because that’s the way I roll

There will be more life updates forthcoming, but for the moment. Here we are. I feel like this is a short post, yet jam packed with all the things.

I’m writing this outside a bookstore that doesn’t open until 9. I really have to pee. I’m pretty sure my Pelvic PT would not be pleased with me. Shhhhh. Nobody tell her. Don’t let her read this.

Obesity : a failsafe

My game plan for the blog this week was to share all about my word of the year. Something else has come up that is seriously giving me some serious eyeball rolls.

A major news source put out information on a study done about the intersection of the pandemic and obesity. Multiple people on social media are sharing this new source post and adding comments like : FINALLY - only took 22 months.

One : obesity and being overweight have ALWAYS been considered a high-risk factor in this pandemic. ALWAYS. It didn’t take 22 months. It took 22 minutes. Maybe knock off one of those 2s…

Let’s continue on this track for a hot second. Obesity (and being overweight) are a guaranteed fail safe for the media and medical community. Why? Because it’s easier to shit on the fat people (I am one - I’m not being rude or dismissive) than to say that everybody needs to take a good long look in their fridges, at their exercise or movement habits, sleep, water intake, all the things. I look what society considers “average”? WHEW. I’m good. Let me get back to my smoking or eating fast food everyday. (I will smack talk smoking every day considering my dad just died from smoking - not going to smack talk the fast food - I was a daily Starbs drinker - but, hey, I know). The point here? Instead of highlighting HABITS that make ANY body of ANY size healthier - it’s easier to ASSUME that people who visually look larger than the societal expectation of average are unhealthy and therefore… let’s just “study” them and draw conclusions on this singular population that was chosen for specific purposes. Also. BMI is bullshit. But hey - it helps the diet industry continue to spin the narrative about size and therefore make a shit ton of money.

Two : are we really not questioning why this study, that is NOT telling us anything new, is being pushed hard NOW? At the beginning of the year? In January? When the diet and gym industry makes BANK? And now they can make even more bank by scaring the fudge out of the obese and overweight people? By getting them to BUY products that RUSH the weight loss, but don’t actually make them any HEALTHIER? And because it’s not about actual HABITS, it most likely won’t stick?

Let us get real here for a hot second. Unhealthy habits may or may not have led a person to become obese or overweight, based on the BMI scale. Unhealthy habits may or may not have led a skinny person or “average” person to be their size, based on the BMI scale. I’m not saying that someone who is obese or overweight is or is not more at risk. Frankly - I don’t care. Some (most? Many? I don’t read them all anymore because it gets tiring) of these studies don’t take into account the historical construction of how the individual body came to be that way and what the current habits are to create a better functioning internal system that may or may not result in a change to the external aesthetic.

Academic studies will be what they are. They will pump out information and the media will pick up the juiciest tidbits for the common person to consume - not necessarily the most important tidbits, the juiciest. So, moral of the story?

If there’s something that you would say to someone of one size that you wouldn’t to another - maybe check yourself. If you haven’t also shared studies about smoking, and other unhealthy lifestyles - maybe check yourself. If obesity is what you’ve concentrated on - especially now - maybe check your timing and consider your why.

(To also be clear : while a post was shared many times on social media and this may seem to be a passive-aggressive response - it’s not. The chances of said people reading this are slim and also doesn’t lessen the import of what is being said - which is, basically, take care of your own house first. It’s awfully tiring to have people try to police mine without knowing what goes on inside)

correlation of New Year’s and social media

I initially wrote this as a social media post. And then it became a whole beast for a measly comment on Instagram. And with that, welcome back to the blogging world, Morgan! I would say you’ve been missed, but that would probably be me with blown-up ego. With that - off we go!

The new year is coming! And with that… no fewer than 19 billion ads and memes about how we’re going to better ourselves.

Now. Up front clarity. I’m a firm believer in you do you. Like resolutions? Have fun! Like having a word of the year? That’s me! And mine is already picked out! I’m even taking it for a test drive this week because why wait until Jan 1?

I’m just popping on here to share a thought I had at the ass crack of dawn because I’m ridiculous like that. Some people have thoughts in the shower or while squatting on the porcelain throne - I have them laying in my warm bed while procrastinating getting out to a freezing room (not an exaggeration - my mother who thinks I exaggerate about everything will back me up on this).

The thought. (Spoiler alert: it still takes me a hot minute to get to the thought.) I’m used to all of the diet ads and whatnot and have a tendency to just roll past them after a lifetime of hating my body (aesthetically) and coming to a place where I can love myself AND still want it to change - because I can’t do all the physical things I want to do in the body I have. I don’t need a diet for that - I need a better diet (as in nutritional eating) and stronger habits in all sorts of ways that are not just physical. Because I’m firmly rooted in that - I dismiss the diet culture ads. I probably shouldn’t as they are pervasive and prey on the vulnerability of post holiday eating extravaganza.

What got me today was a meme that said something the effect that we are going to stop giving worry our energy and instead give our energy to all these other ideals, like creativity.

If dropping your worries is one of your goals - cool! Working on my still somewhat shitty self-esteem is one of mine - we’re in it together! AND. I’m in therapy for a reason. (Ok, a whole lot of reasons, and that’s one of them).

That’s the ENTIRE point of this massively long post that took me this long to get here. Lean on the resources you need to help you get to the goals you have.

For most folks, worry just doesn’t turn off like that. If it did, it wouldn’t need to take on the importance of a new year’s resolution to make it happen. Therefore, external assistance in building a toolbox of tools to tackle that worry (or whatever emotional struggle you want to put in place of the word “worry”) is needed.

Someone will probably be rolling their eyes at this point, shouting in their heads at me that this is just a meme and I’m giving it far too much import.

Social media has become anathema to many of our lives. And when a similar message is blasted at us - over and over and over again - we begin to internalize that message. If and when we’re in a vulnerable state (or a battered one from all of that messaging), a simple meme can easily take on much more import… and even potentially set us up to fail and more if we don’t maintain the self awareness to know we can’t do it alone.

Whether that means getting a therapist, a trainer, a new doctor, a group… whatever resource/s you may need to help you succeed at whatever it is you want and/or need to do.

And just to make 100% sure I’m clear. I’m all for physical related goals. I got myself as a birthday present a new Myx bike (thank you birthday coming up against Black Friday sales) and it just got delivered. The reason? I’m scared shitless to ride a real bike. The last time I did - I crashed into a pole (no joke). I’m even afraid to do all of those standing up shenanigans - on a SPIN bike - as in, it’s stationary. This is a challenge to me to get over my shit, so I can ride bike with my kid this spring and beyond. I’ve let my ex be the “wheels” parent up until now and doesn’t that just suck for me?

And if you are aesthetically driven - rock on! I get it! There are some clothing stores I’d love to be able to shop in again. All I’m saying is to check in with yourself that it’s because of a want or need for an aesthetic that is reasonable and possible in a healthy format and not driven by some societal expectation that you visually appear to fit a standard (one that changes that the whim of fashion and … I’m going to stop there as that’s a whole other diatribe!).

All of this malarkey is simply that. Social media is a difficult space with the driven ads and keyboard warriors coming out to play. It is also an amazing tool in finding connection and connections breeds empowerment.

All of this to say. Happy New Year. And with this new year, may you seek out and cultivate the resources you need to help you become the healthiest version of you.

March Journal Prompts

March is the beginning of Spring! It’s time to think forward and figure out the plan to dive in and PUSH. There are plenty of journaling resources out there, with prompts galore. I’m not an expert, just a gal who does this a lot and also doesn’t always feel like she has the time. So, here are four prompts I’m taking on this month, one a week, to help me dig in and keep it trucking.

• It’s the beginning of a new season with a fresh start! What are some life dreams and goals I have for the coming year? How can I make those happen? Dream BIG, then flesh it out.

• As we leave winter behind, and hopefully I’m not speaking too soon the panorama eases up, what emotional shiiiiiii… do you need to leave behind? Spell it out, rest in it, do what you need with it, then get rid of it. Allow this new season to give you a fresh start.

• This month is all about new beginnings, but also the fortitude to dig in and do it. Mars was both the god of war and an agricultural deity. How do we blend those together? By thinking about our future (which we’ve already done) and by thinking about how we’re going to do it. Not just the plan, but how WE are capable. So, write yourself a letter of all of your awesomeness. Remind yourself of all that you are capable of. Stuck? Ask a friend or two to tell you what your best traits are. Feeling egotistical? Get over it. If you can’t compliment yourself, why should anybody else? Do you.

• To close out this month and head into the continuation of Spring, do a brain dump and then get creative with that brain dump. Draw a picture, write a haiku or story, go do a stand up routine, whatever! Let those synapses fly with all the possibilities.

Journal Carrying Vessel

This fabulous Fossil bag is one my mama decided I needed to have. Isn’t she simply brilliant? (Also. To be clear. This is my work bag. It does not only carry journals.)

February Journal Prompts

I was going to include a journal prompts section in the ol’ blog, but decided journal prompts AND affirmations might just be a little much to kick things back off again. But, how dare I deny you my fun journal prompts???

Journaling has been a favorite activity of mine, off and on, for years. I have been much more consistent with it in recent days. But, that consistency was hard fought. I took a nose dive in all of my writing with the hit of isolation and having to completely change the way I work and, for a while there, the way I parent. With that nose dive came the opportunity to learn that journaling really is effective at just unloading those feelings, but also that sometimes, I need a little help to unpack those feelings. So, pull out that journal or pull up that Note app in your phone and release as you feel fit. Reminder: I am a teacher and not a therapist. I highly recommend you go to therapy, even if you are the most well-adjusted person ever (hint: you probably still need therapy), and unpack anything that comes up for you with them. In the interim, these are short and sweet prompts that you can answer in the amount of time it takes you to go deuces on the pot while hiding from your child or spouse. These prompts specifically honor our monthly theme of Hallmark Holiday Month - LURVE!

I have four for the four weeks of the month!

• What do I love to do for myself? How am I going to make something on this list happen this month?

• What do I enjoy about myself? Really dig into all those things you like/love/enjoy. Sell yourself to yourself. This is not the time to be eating humble pie.

• What toxic shenanigans do I need to send to the dumpster? How am I going to do this?

• What am I most grateful for RIGHT THIS SECOND? And what am I most not grateful for right this second? Take that not so grateful AND SPIN IT! Let’s end out this month with some positive vibes.

Affirmations Explanation

I initially wrote the following for my February newsletter and realized it is all just way too wordy for a newsletter! So, here’s my in-depth explanation of how I use affirmations for myself and for my kiddo. I will most likely need to do a kiddo affirmation blog follow-up, but here’s the root of all of it!

Affirmations are where the crunchy side is going to come on out to play. I came to a recent realization that I still have some self-esteem issues in some areas of my life and that I need to work on that. While I am a firm believer that a lot of this ish needs to be dealt with in therapy and everybody needs therapy, there are just some things you can do on a mostly daily basis to help yourself out. Now, should you have a list of affirmations dealing in the areas of your life where you need a little boost? Sure. Absolutely. Can it be an unholy pain in the bupkis to come up with said list of affirmations? Sure. Absolutely. So, here are a few to kick off your month and you can add at will. I am nothing, if not helpful.

I should probably note that people deal in affirmations differently. I’m a reader by nature, but reading isn’t quite enough to pound these into my thick head. I personally record these into a voice app on my phone, one by one, leaving time to repeat it in between. After I’ve dropped off my daughter to daycare, on the drive home, I play the recording, repeating each one as it is said. If I’m blowing it off, I make myself do the whole shenanigans again and really stay present in it. If there’s one that makes me super uncomfortable, I hit the 30-second rewind button and dig in deep to repeat it. Does this all feel oddly like I’m talking to myself? Oh. Yeah. It really does. Do I actually feel like it’s doing something for me? Yeah, Yeah, I do. Am I going to oversell it by telling you what? Nope. Give it a go for a few days. See what happens. What’s the worst that happens? You look like a dork when literally absolutely no one is watching you? (Well, unless you’re holding a concert and do it on stage, then I suppose you might be in a rough spot.)

Actually, I wrote that all out and it still stands for those of you that want to do this for yourself. I have a podcast just for affirmations! The podcast covers just the affirmations, for both you adults and kiddos, and doesn’t have any excess chatter, so you don’t have to worry about me dropping an accidental swear word here and there. There are TONS of resources out there on affirmations, especially for adults and older kiddos. This is just a resource to help jump start you if you need it… or if you’re like me, do a Google search, get overwhelmed, shut down and do nothing… if diving into a carton of ice cream because of emotional overload and feelings of failure counts as nothing.

Kiddo Background - Also was initially intended for the Feb. Newsletter

Did you think I wasn’t going to live up to the intermittent granola mom title I’ve given myself? Please. Now, I don’t have any research immediately handy on boosting children’s self-esteem through the use of affirmations. I’m a teacher and I just have some background on kiddos in general and then used plain old logic beyond that. If affirmations are helping me to remember positive traits that I either have or want to possess, why wouldn’t this work for my kiddo, as well? Plus, this is a great way to remind her of traits she should possess, such as using her hands and feet politely. (Read: she was hitting people, without provocation, and was needing to knock that ish off) My kiddo is three and she has a pretty strong memory. So, I’ll be using these for a week or two and then either switching them up OR changing the order of them, so she’s forced to pay attention to what is being said when she repeats them. 

I will also note that I was previously reminding her of these positive traits in negative situations, i.e. we don’t use our hands and feet to harm people WHILE she’s kicking the fudge out of me. Part of my goal with this, and this part has been successful for me, is to do consistent positive reinforcement during positive times. I’ve also found that this is a connection builder for the kiddo and myself. So, for whatever research I could offer you on positive reinforcement and repetition (and that does exist out there in the ether), this was enough for me and so I’m sharing it. Whether or not it works for anybody else… well… I can’t help you there. I’m just figuring this out as I go!

Tech Savvy? Not So Much

I like to think I’m technologically adept. I like to think I sometimes have some amount of talent to do things on computers. I like to think I can navigate around pretty easily and make things happen.

Then, I get wild ideas. Such as… COMPLETELY RE-DOING MY WEBSITE.

I go on a wild hair. I change up EVERYTHING.

Then, I decide to take it easy on myself and use a template instead.

Does that… ACTUALLY make things easier on myself? OF COURSE NOT.

I have no idea how anything works anymore. Because. Again. WHY would I make anything ACTUALLY easy on myself?

Ahhhhh. The joys of technology.

Excuse me while I go fix my life. Or just eat myself into a food coma, so that I just don’t care anymore. Whichever comes first.

Photo Courtesy of Cait Girard

Pink Lights Epiphany

The below pink lights are currently in my living room. Yes, it looks purple, but I swear my eyesight is fine and I see color just fine. This is not the new social media color war. The lights themselves are courtesy of my darling three-year-old who wanted pink lights. That’s literally all she had to say, was that she wanted pink lights and here we are.

I would love to tell you that this missive is all about what an awesome pushover I, ergo my husband as well, am, but it’s really not. There’s more to this picture. Not to the lights part, that’s basic. PUSH-OVER. But, to why I took the picture and am now posting it.

I didn’t have a Christmas Tree this year. I know, I’m a heathen. But, when I’m trying to finally learn how to be a halfway neat and tidy person, I just couldn’t deal with ADDING to the clutter. So… I didn’t.

This morning, I laid down on the couch for a spell and happened to gaze up at these lights. I say happened to as if these things aren’t bright AF and completely in your face. Noting the fact that this garish display is exactly that, there was something oddly peaceful about this singular moment where it was quiet, dark, and just me, basking in the not-so-light glow.

What in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? Because that feeling I got this morning is exactly how I feel when I do have a Christmas tree and I’m up early to do my thing and just enjoy the lights before doing whatever it is I do at the butt-crack of dawn.

I would have told you, prior to this morning, that there’s just something magical about the morning and the tree. And this is not to say that there isn’t something magical about the season, but it took this exact moment to realize that I could have that feeling that I normally only have at Christmas a little more often. Who made the rule that only Christmas Tree lights are magical? Psh. That is not a rule I need to be following.

So. Now that I’ve had my head set straight and I am now enamored with pink lights that look like a unicorn shit all over my curtains, I will enjoy my mornings, doing my mental and emotional health activities in the glow.

What We Do... Matters

I had a kiddo stay almost 20 minutes over today. Actually, by the time you account for the talking time, really more like 30 minutes.

It started because he was shocked he did so well on his paper and he wanted to know what he did right. I had the misfortune of telling that, in the real world, he probably wouldn’t have done so well. (I gave fairly strong feedback on the rough draft and if the kiddos mostly followed it… I let the lesson of editing be enough and gave solid scores.) But, we still talked his paper.

He’s one of those that’s quite sarcastic in class.

QUITE.

And we all know I enjoy such shenanigans, so it’s not like I shut it down.

Suffice it to say, when he was being serious about talking up his paper, I was a little surprised. Because… I mean… what? You want to do what? Huh?

Obviously, a half hour wasn’t spent on his paper, but on what’s going on right now and learning in the virtual world. It was a little surprising to hear about his perception of what he thinks he’s like as a student in person, because that description is not even remotely one I’d have ascribed to him.

Which… got me thinking. I mean, I KNOW kiddos aren’t the same online as they are in person. I’m rather similar, but more jacked up in person, which is saying quite a bit, because I’m distinctly animated, even online. But, what he described and what he is are FAR apart. Even if we do ever end up back in person, it could be like getting to know ENTIRELY different students. I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job connecting online. Students have reached out for resources on mental and emotional support and like to stay after class to just chat. But, will I need to reconnect in person? Or connect at all? It’s a little disjointing to realize just how different coming back will be. I knew it would be in terms of physical space, but this is a different ballgame.

While I’m entirely confident in my abilities to make it all work; it’s just one more thing to think on and contemplate in terms of changes when things shift again this year.

And at the end of the day. I know I’m reaching these kids. A lot of them at least. Even with this whackadoodle format I’m having to teach in. It’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. But, I think I’m doing really ok.

Because just showing up and talking to them MATTERS. They may or may not remember that I taught them active vs passive voice, but they’ll remember I hung out just to chat.

Yeah. Whatever happens and however it happens… I’ll keep on getting to know them. Because no matter what age they are, we need to remember that they’re human beings first and students somewhere down the list of identifiers.

So… I typed in, “light bulb” on Pixabay and this was one of the options in the first line. Do people really mean garlic bulbs when they type light bulbs? I was so thoroughly amused by this that I decided to share it and let you be amused with me.

Word of the Year 2021

As a caveat - I reflected on and wrote out my word of the year at the beginning of the year. It is now a good chunk into the month as I write this blog. How long has it been on my need to write it out list? Waaaaay too long. Is it time to get more consistent in my explorations of writing and self? Oh, yeah. For sure. Have things happened recently that would require a not-business-as-usual response? Yes. That’s coming in a different space. This is the blog that I was planning to write at the beginning of the year, before the bs of this week which requires a whole different level of reaction and contemplation, and want to respect that head space and feeling. So, grab some (still totally appropriate for the season because I’m not THAT late) hot chocolate and sit for a spell with me.

(Sourced from JillWellington on Pixabay)

I gave up on resolutions a few years back. I was one of those who was GREAT at making resolutions. Would you like to know just how great I was at keeping them?

Sound of deafening silence

Suffice it to say, I gave it up finally. Being a miserable second a hot second into a new year just didn’t seem like the best possible way to kick off what is supposed to be a hopeful new beginning.

My word for the year last year was, “Align.”

Let’s back it up a hot second. If you’re unsure why a word of the year exists… the theory basically is, deep dive details depending on who you follow or what blog you read, you let the word help guide your year, let it help you really dial in to what you need to work on. So, it’s not a specific resolution where you’re going to become skinny because you ate a salad or grow a pair because you’re going to make this the year of, “NO!” instead of the year of, “YES!”

Did I follow this theory in spades last year?

Searches for ANYBODY to make a sound

Exactly. But, do I feel like a miserable failure? No. There’s always the shoulds behind the theories of everything, but I find that having a guidepost word helps me feel as though I’m still a work in progress versus needing to be a picture of perfection. I did better at working on me last year. I drilled down on my resume for my professional life. I took a chance on an amazing friend to work through health issues. I stood up for myself in multiple different relationships. I realized just how much I value and enjoy writing, having been told through the years that I’m actually quite good at it (granted, by people who are biased in their love for me, but they’re also not the type to give compliments for shits and giggles). And through all this, I really did start to dial in on what it means for ME to be aligned… even if it wasn’t totally intentional.

Which leads me to this year. I want to build on last year. Because I do feel as though I have a VERY strong base in what I want and need to be aligned, even though there are still details I need to work out, I do know I can move forward with a new word. But, it was also important to me, due to those details that need to be worked out, that I honor the word I didn’t quite commit to last year, because I didn’t quite fully commit to myself last year.

RELENTLESS.

This year, the word of my year, is to be relentless. Relentless in pursuit of my professional goals. Relentless in pursuit of building my writing muscle. Relentless in pursuit of my health - which does not mean being skinny, to be very clear, but more on that some other time. Relentless in my pursuit of slowing down my brain and honoring not just quiet, but silence. Relentless in my pursuit to re-create my space to suit my needs. I should say my family’s needs, but let’s be real on who’s boss here. Relentless in who even knows what will pop up.

This does not mean to be inflexible. If there’s one thing teaching has taught me - it’s how to have a game plan, watch it go up in flames and having to just make it work. It simply means knock off the willy nilly bs stories and excuses I’ve allowed myself to engage in and remind myself of the possibilities before me, of the changes I can make to make my life the best possible one, which ultimately affects those around me.

So. No judgements here if resolutions work for you. Or if you love making them and watching them prance away in the sunset (totally not looking at you diet resolution while eating a jug of Ben and Jerry’s). But, if you want to do something just a little different, to honor the potential that is a new year, then join me in making a word of the year. No idea how? I can share how I did it and I can direct you to the sites I used. Or. You could just Google it, if the thought of chatting with me about deep and vulnerable things sounds like something that would make your hot chocolate come right on back up.

Whatever you do, or however you do it, here’s to hoping you have whatever kind of year you wish to have.

Night Workouts

Would you like to hear something HILARIOUS?

I made a plan to workout at night. I stopped with my 4am shenanigans, telling myself to use the mornings for other things and that I’d workout at night.

Y’all.

I never even peeled myself off the couch. I never even put on the soul sucking… I mean… tummy sucking workout wear. I never filled my water bottle, charged my pods…

You get the point.

I have NEVER been one to workout at night. Maybe once or twice in my entire lifetime (exaggeration, much?), but really. So, who was I really trying to convince here? Who was I really trying to impress here?

So, the next time I think about diverting from my carefully thought-out, planned-out 4am shenanigans… I am coming back to this post to remind me of my ridiculous claims that I will actually have the motivation and dedication to get my ish done timely.

In case y’all are wondering. Today is Friday. I am getting back to my 4am shenanigans tomorrow, Saturday. Which sounds just as ridiculous as the idea of me working out on a Friday, I realize that. But. People. Mama needs to get her sweat on. It’s been…

More than a few days.

Excuse me while I go prepare for those soul-sucking workout pants by having some fajitas and margaritas.

First Two Weeks

Well… my friends…

The first two weeks of digital learning have come to a close.

I was able to open every single one of my Google Meets AND I didn’t have a single creepy visitor. SCORE! The tales about such things are rampant.

I’m learning the ins and outs of our new learning management system and semi/sorta/kinda being able to not lean so hard on Google. Maybe. A little. Working on it.

Yesterday was particularly wild. I presented a screen. Gave a lecture. Realized after I’d given this brilliant (not really) lecture that I had been presenting the wrong screen the whole time.

Another favorite of the day was when I said that we need to do “housewarming” tasks instead of “housekeeping” ones. In case you’re wondering… I felt really good about myself after that one. I’m sure the parents listening in are THRILLED I’m the one teaching their children. Who wouldn’t be concerned?

Overall. This is an interesting experience. I know a great deal of the world is realizing just how much work can be done remotely, but… no matter how well I know how to use the interfaces and how exuberant and peppy I am on screen… there’s still something magical about being in the classroom. This time is wonderful because I feel physically safe. It’s difficult on a great many levels, so there’s a lot of roller coastery emotions.

As we keep on trucking, I’ll continue to settle in and settle down, find that new normal, both in and out of the classroom.

Until then, I’ll just keep on trucking and making the kids laugh with my antics.

Kotsu Kotsu

I have been SLACKING on my meditating lately and it is showing up in how I approach my life and my general demeanor. I got my ish together this morning and decided to listen to a wee session called, “Kotsu Kotsu” on the Calm App. (I highly recommend if anybody wants to spend a few dollars on meditating. If you’re like me, you need to get out of your head to get into your head. I could explain this here, but I’m pretty sure I’d need an entire blog to explain how this works out. It’s not complicated, but it really is. Did you expect anything less from me?)

According to the session, Kotsu Kotsu essentially means step-by-step, to really approach life being in the moment and paying attention to the actions you take while you take them.

Essentially, if I were to pare this down in a way that works for me, knock off all the multi-tasking because instead of doing one thing well or successfully or whatever word you want to use, you’ll do the multiple things not as well or successfully or whatever word you want to use.

I needed this reminder this morning. I have a tendency to run between tasks, rushing them to get to the next, or doing multiple at one time because… well… isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to be able to do it all? Isn’t multi-tasking a sign of having your shit together?

Yesterday, I wrote a blog about the Aquarius Full Moon. I am not entirely certain I communicated what I wanted to because I rushed the blog. I banged it out and moved onto the next thing, slamming words down, assuming that everybody can always read my mind, right? Y’all know me, y’all know how I write, that’s good enough, right?

No. it’s really not. Communication takes time and effort. Strong communication takes investment and engagement. Rushing is none of those things. The sad part is that I literally had NO REASON why I rushed it. I had all the time in the world yesterday. And, even when I don’t, I can wait until I do. I can jot down ideas in a notepad or even in a post and simply not publish it until it’s completed. This is not to say that I want to prettify what I write or turn into some machine where perfection matters above all else, but rather to engage with what I’m writing, how I’m writing, to ensure that I’m doing the best job I can to communicate my understanding, my place, my life.

We are such a society dedicated to rushing. Well, American society is, but since I’m pretty sure I don’t have any International followers, I’ll stick with my use of the word, “we”. Maybe someday my following will be as big as my ego. Maybe.

Anyways. Now that I’ve taken a moment to dream on that, back to the point. (See?! Mindfulness in action! I paused, considered, then came back to write some more, instead of trying to do both at the same time! Ok, so I’m not entirely certain that’s what Kotsu Kotsu is asking you to do, since I have some more research to do into this ideal, but we’re going to go with it for the time being.)

There is so much to do. So much. It can feel overwhelming, distracting, or even lonely. Multi-tasking feels like we’ll be able to get more done and this session this morning really made me wonder if it’s about getting things done or about doing them with fidelity. And if I’m doing something just to do it, without a cause or purpose, then why am I doing it? Maybe I’d actually enjoy cooking or gardening or bike riding if I didn’t treat them as chores, but rather as opportunities to learn, to grow, to fail, and to do it all some more. Maybe if I approached each task to do that specific task, I can enjoy the moment because I’m devoting care and time and energy and investment to it. Instead of doing activities and being on my phone, on social media, answering emails, or whatever else, if I were to engage, I’d get far more out of it.

BUT. BUT. BUT. When else will I answer emails?!

When it’s time to answer them. When I can devote thoughtful contemplation into what is being asked of me in that email.

One of my goals for a long time has been to slow down, because I am constantly on the go, whether physically or mentally. This ideal of Kotsu Kotsu makes sense to me, inspires me.

I share because… who knows… maybe you, too, need to slow down just a little and this is one way you can do so.

Getting my life together with a weeeee bit of coffee. Cause sometimes. Coffee is life.

Aquarius Full Moon

As I write this, it’s August 3rd - the date of the Aquarius Full Moon.

Now, let’s get a little centering action going on here. I grew up Christian, off and on went back to the Church over the years, and never fully reconciling how organized religion plays a role in our worldwide society, much less the more micro level societies at play.

What’s the point of all that? I once did the Jesus thing and I really don’t anymore. (Although, I do still like some Jesus music. It’s so boppy and uplifting.)

Great. Glad we got that worked out.

Now. Time to get to the point. I’ve been exploring spirituality on a much different level, since releasing the chains of believing I have to believe in one specific God or religion, just because that’s what I grew up knowing.

I have a moon tattooed on my body, because I’ve always been drawn to the night. My ass-crack of dawn wake-ups are not just because that’s when I have free time from the family (although, that’s a significant part of it - let’s be real - I really appreciate not having awake breathing and vibes happening around me), but also because that time in the night, the moon still heavily at play, speaks to me. It’s the start the day, where I get to see it, get charged by it, and then see the shift of night to day. It’s really sort of a magical time for me that I’m really leaning in to engaging with and opening my mind to the possibilities of how this all can help my mental and emotional health.

With this full moon, I’m leaning in to releasing what no longer serves me, those negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are just not worthwhile to living my “best life”. This particular moon centers on thinking about what is not working in our communities, whether on the micro or macro level. There’s a lot more to this and I am certainly not an expert, but how am I using this time? To think about the transformative action that I can take for my community, whether that be my own household, my work community, my town/state/country community, or even worldwide community. What are things I can do to be better, to do better, so that the collective reaps the benefit?

So, no matter your beliefs, and no matter that a lot of you will be reading this AFTER the date has passed, I encourage you to think about what you can do right now to enact some sort of change. Use this time to be inspired to push forward, to release SOMETHING that’s holding you back, and to DO something.

What can that look like?

Donate money to a charity

Up your recycling game or start a veggie or herb garden or start composting

Encouraging others in some form or fashion

I don’t know… What works for you???

Add some more ideas below if you’ve got them!

Throwback Writing

I’ve always been a sarcastic little snarker. A few years ago, we cleaned out my mom’s garage and we found this writing of mine from high school. I don’t remember the assignment, but I’m sure I took full advantage of whatever the prompt was and went overboard.

Enjoy!

The Latest

I’ve been quiet in this area, taking the time to learn about language and where it comes from. I’m not going to post it all here, because, oddly enough, the bulk of it is on Instagram and then I sit with it a while and consider the implications of how to change the use in my classroom, much less everyday life.

I am open to learning, to doing the deep internal work to change. I have exactly zero issues being vulnerable and authentic to my own truth.

But, I will admit this.

I’m a little embarrassed that I never stopped to take the time to think about where language comes from. I literally teach how language is used to construct writing - especially in persuasive or argumentative pieces. And, yet, here I am, getting schooled on where some really common phrases come from, such as, “Eenie meenie miney mo.” Uhhh… yeah, replace tiger with the n-bomb. Uuuuhhhh… not going to be using that one anymore!

So. I’ve been taking this time to process all of that and to take notes, considering implications and how to use this lesson for myself and expand it out.

Also, I lied, I’m providing one link to kick off your own exploration, if you so choose to do one. It popped up on my search to see if “oh, boy!” has any racist connections to just “boy” when used in a racial context. Since it applies to this blog and conversation, I shall share! If I find a bunch more, I’ll just make a resource blog!

Thought Co

A Sort-Of Review: Pruvit Ketones

If you know my morning routine, you know I live by Energize, created by Beachbody. I rarely drink coffee anymore, so this is my source of caffeine for those crazy early mornings that I seem to delight in (not…).

I was doing lazy keto for a bit there (until my lack of a gallbladder reminded of the function of the gallbladder - hint: fats) and heard about Pruvit Ketones, which apparently can help you get past the “keto flu” and get into a state of ketosis faster.

Some would argue that because I am a Beachbody coach that trying other brands is a no-no. One: legally it is if I were to sign up as a consultant for them. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t) Two: ethically it is not, because shouldn’t you know your competition? But, seriously, I didn’t view any of it like that. It was a product to try out for the nutritional game plan I was following. It really doesn’t have to be more complex than that. And, as for the MLM bit, obviously I have no problem with that :P.

I ordered their 10-day test it out pack.

Full disclosure before I even say more: I didn’t finish the 10 days. So, I have no “before and after” pics. Scour Insta - you’ll see plenty there.

I didn’t like the taste. I’m spoiled, sure, by my Energize, which I do like the taste of and I look forward to each morning. I was excited for a new flavor of my morning drink and it just didn’t hit the mark for me. I will say that it did hold off hunger pangs a while longer, which is one of the goals for the product. (OS/Nat I think it is?). This is not a goal of Energize, to be clear. So, for intermittent fasters - if you’re struggling to make the switch to IF, this could be a helpful tool? You do NOT need to be keto to use this stuff. That’s made explicitly clear everywhere.

I loosely do IF, but don’t super stress right now, and so don’t really need the extra boost.

Anyways. So, you can have a light meal somewhere in there and then there’s an afternoon something or other. Obviously, I paid a whole lot of attention. It was a chocolate something and I made it a whopping two days before that was a no.

To be fair though: I didn’t love Shakeology at first either. I had to do some experimentation to really get it to where I like and enjoy it. So… I could try to give the Ketones longer and see if they grow on me, but eh.

The problem is that I have something else to compare this all to and they aren’t like products, per se. In their function or goals. So, these aren’t necessarily fair comparisons. What does this mean? I’m trying really hard to be fair as a result, when my review otherwise would probably be more… um… frank… I’ll let you read between the lines.

Here’s what I will say: they didn’t suck sideways. I didn’t notice the energy jump that folks who sell it share and certainly didn’t loooooove the taste. I also didn’t love the price tag. Realizing that any given month I spend how much on my Energize and my kiddo version of Shakeo (I have enough regular leftover for me, that I haven’t needed to order), money is not EVER going to be my main drawback. As a customer… it was just awfully expensive for not a lot of product, ESPECIALLY if you’re going to compare with competitors. (I.e. for not like products, but each one that I use in the morning, the morning Ketones were more expensive for fewer days than one jar of the Energize that can last more days depending on how many scoops you use).

Note: I’m not trying to sell you on Energize! There are lots of pre-workouts out there, this just happens to be the one I use and love.

Upshot is: depending on your financial situation and your need… could be useful for you. There are certainly plenty out there who have used it and found great success with it.

Simple as Hair

Hair. It’s just that ish that grows on bodies, right? So, what’s the big deal?

And, in my privileged way, I never thought much of it.

When I decided to go back to my natural roots (Operation Curly) of the curly life, I was taken back to my long history of curls. Let me first give a picture for context, to help guide the conversation that I want to have here.

9 years old. The hair and the height. Don’t forget the ears, too.

When I first wrote the going curly blog linked above, I was going to write one here and… didn’t. Then, today, something else popped up that got me thinking even more. So, this is a two-parter. I’ll try my best to not be long-winded, but we know that’s awfully difficult for me to do.

When I was growing up, the hair was difficult. I was bullied for it and we struggled to find anybody who could help me with how to care for this type of hair. We went to a variety of folks, of differing cultural and ethnic backgrounds, and if they couldn’t deal with curls, they struggled with the texture. My curls were TIGHT back then, more coils, as compared to now. They have definitely relaxed some (although, I’m curious what we will see when I’ve stopped the heat and the color for long enough to allow the curls the space to do what they do.) The point? It just wasn’t easy and there wasn’t the wealth of information at our fingertips that we have now. I’m in two different Facebook groups and follow a few curly gals on Youtube. I’m old enough that these resources weren’t even a dream yet.

When I first thought about going curly, I STRUGGLED. Because of this childhood difficulty, I had this built-in solid dislike for my curls. I loved them on other people, moaning, “Why can’t mine be like that?!” It was easier to whine and stay rooted in my childhood hatred than to deal with it and move on. I came to the realization that if I am so okay with going gray, then I best be ok with all of my roots. Where’s the struggle here? Of course, all of this coincides with this digging in process and working to be active in my allyship… what would people think?! Would they think I’m going so far as to go au natural to fit in with… what? I don’t even know. That’s when I knew I was being ridiculous and making excuses.

But, I got to thinking about the bullying. Kids bully for all sorts of reasons, often rooted in what they perceive as different. My hair was not the norm for an upper-middle class, white town. It certainly wasn’t the type of curls expected of an ass-white kid. What I’ve realized in recent weeks is just how rooted in racist culture this was. Let me be VERY clear - I am not suggesting that I understand being on the receiving end of racism. I am, on the other hand, suggesting that the roots of this bullying, of this difference, lies in the racist ideals of what beauty is and because my hair had components that some folks would have associated with Black folks, boom, there we are.

Add in the fact that I was an ogre (yes, I was… just because I’m short now doesn’t mean I always was) and the hearing impairment? Good grief. That was fun.

Now, today. A popular curly hair gal uses the hashtag, “Froday”. This particular influencer does not have any sort of Black ethnic or cultural connection (as shown by a DNA test that was publicized), nor does she actually have hair that would, in any definition, constitute as an afro. In one of those Facebook groups, this “afro” idea was discussed.

I would have once told you I had an afro growing up. I can also tell you that I have learned my lesson. Granted, I wouldn’t have said that in recent times, because it doesn’t/didn’t feel “right”, but now I can be more explicit in the WHY it doesn’t and maybe share some learning, in case you’d be down for it also.

The short story? I could have darn near every single hair related attribute of an afro (I did, once upon a time, short of some texture differences), but it wouldn’t be (wouldn’t have been) an afro because I don’t have the historical, cultural, or ethnic connection to the meaning behind the style.

It’s really that simple.

Here’s a little history about the afro from Ebony Magazine. (I’m sure there are other sources out there and some with a great deal more depth, I just liked this one for the overview of the history.)

The deal with all of this?

Hair seems simple.

It’s just really not. Hair is a cultural staple and the meanings behind certain styles are deep and connected. It’s worth learning about the implications of this seemingly simple bodily growth, considering societal structures, fashion structures, and the cultural connections that unite people.

A Sort-Of Review: Keto Cleanse

I’ve been bopping around, trying out a variety of general habits that might work for me. I try something for a few days, deciding if it’s sustainable for me and what makes sense for me. Vegan has been the best thing for my body, but just really not sustainable because I’m not willing to put in the work. I seriously need to go to a farm and fall in love with cows and pigs, so I stop eating them. But, until then… I shall continue my search.

I’ve blown off the idea of keto for awhile, since it’s higher in fat content and I’m missing my gallbladder… a key-ish organ in helping to process fat.

For some reason, I decided to look more into it and, while I’m still struggling with the idea of more fat than not, I’m a fan of lessening the amount of extra carbs I need. I’ve been BLOWN AWAY by how many carbs are present in whole foods, without the need for breads or rices. So, to be clear, my goal is not to go low-carb per se, but rather to re-think how I’m eating carbs and where I’m finding them in food.

Before I hit the review part of this blog, I will say that I might flip the fat and the protein numbers at some point. I’m not 100% convinced my missing-gallbladder self needs the fat numbers. But, to be clear, when we talk about fat, we are not talking about your favorite chocolate bar, but good fats like avocados, nuts, and REAL butter (or other cooking fat that isn’t a thousand percent processed.)

I, per my usual, grabbed a book that seemed good to kick things off in the keto exploration world. Did I do a ton of research into WHICH book I should choose? Eh. I liked this chick’s insta. Good enough, right?

The book…

This is meant to be a 30 day cleanse. Not doing that. Not yet anyways. There was a vague intention early, but then life happened, missing ingredients happened, and most importantly, really enjoying recipes and repeating them five billion times happened. I have not finished all 30 days of trying recipes, but here is what I will say about the book itself, not the nutritional aspects already discussed above.

The recipes we’ve tried, which are a good chunk, are FANTASTIC. I thought I HATED sauerkraut… it turns out I like in a recipe from this book. I thought I really disliked chimichurri… same point. Onions? Yuck! Yet… my favorite breakfast has green onion. I’ve been truly challenging myself to get over my ish with food (except celery and cilantro, that ish is just plain nasty) and it’s paying off.

I will say some of the recipes are really not super simple. It’s a little more involved than something I’d want to be testing out during the school year. OR have prepped the food the evening before and have it ready to actually dive in and start cooking the night of eating it. I will also say that I actually like some of these leftovers. If you know me, then you know this is a SHOCKER. I will generally walk the opposite direction from a leftover, taking fast food before that. Yet… again… in my work to get over my food self… I’ve been making a concentrated effort to not blow it off.

So. A sort-of review of the book?

If you’re looking for a good intro to keto and don’t mind a little extra work, YUM. If you just need some new tasty recipes to add to your line-up and are willing to cut some of the fat content (which I do anyways and I’m loosely following the keto model for now) and add some other carbs, this is also a super tasty book to add to your repertoire. The veggies and meats are really tasty and I really don’t find myself missing the carbs. Yes, I know, I’m shocked as well. Who would have thought it?!

Operation Curly

Operation Curly is all about getting my curly hair back in action!

Now, what could gaining back my curly hair possibly have to do with healthy living?

Actually, a whole lot.

1) It’s awfully hypocritical to sit here and say that I’m going to go gray and rock it, but not do the same with the shape.

2) Financial health of not getting it done weekly, because I won’t do it myself, nor do I do it as well as getting it done.

3) Taking care of my hair is part of taking care of all of me.

Those are just three. I’m not going to bore you with details of my entire life. I can’t imagine that would be fun for you. There’s actually more to this curly thing that has come up in the last few days, but that’s for my current events thoughts to be posted soon.

This is me at 9 years old. Yes, I was once upon a time insanely tall (for my age). Oh, how the mighty fall.

So, how am I doing this?

I’m starting out with something called, “The Curly Girl Method.” It’s a whole process of going curly and then maintaining curls. Now, I’ve been doing LOTS of research and I’m not entirely certain I’m going to STAY with the CGM method, but it does lay out a great starting point to work on getting my hair back to health after YEARS of dying it and taking a whole lot of heat to it. One small thing working in my favor is that I have never over-washed it, sometimes to a really gross result, but it does help with the remote healthiness leftover now.

What’s my process today? Eight steps and three showers. I don’t have a wide-tooth comb and I don’t have a micro-fiber towel. I’m not letting either of these facts stop me now. I am in this win this! Ok, that was maybe a little over-competitive sounding for something that is not even remotely competitive.

As I write this, I am on Step Five. Two showers down, one to go. The final steps are just the regular doing of the hair. Apparently, it’s going to take at least three months to see some semblance of what my curls will bounce back to and up to a year (or longer) to get back to full curl health. So, the process of figuring out what kind of conditioning I need and what kind of gunk to use is going to be it’s own battle, especially since it may change as I get healthier AND the process can change with any kind of weather.

I won’t lie. This all makes me all kinds of nervous.

You know, underscoring my BRILLIANCE for starting this process during 1000% humidity.

I have no idea how to do this “refresh” business daily and hope to have some sort of basic routine down by the time I go back to school.

Upshot is: I have no idea what’s going to happen, testing my Type A personality, but I’m going to roll with this and do my best to enjoy the journey that is, and always has been, my hair.